Kids Wear the Darndest Things

I hate growing up. When you are little, you can do just about anything you want and the consequences aren’t really huge even if you mess up. Take clothing for example. If I wore things to work that I used to wear when I was a little kid, I would be ostracized, ridiculed, fired, or all of the above.

But little kids can get away with wearing anything. Stuff that once you reach a certain age just makes you just look stupid or crazy. Or both. I found this picture of me when I was little wearing this weird leather vest with a cowboy hat, jeans with elastic bottoms and silly sneakers and it was actually cute. In a weird, ugly way.

So without further ado, here’s a look at some of my favorite little kid fashion faux pas. Things only little kids can pull off (or not even…):

Wearing pink jeans with a pink shirt.

A little girl favorite. Nothing like rocking out in the pink shirt, with the pink jeans, and if she’s feeling really ambitious, the addition of a purple scarf rounds the outfit out nicely. The perfect look for the 2-5 year old on their morning commute to preschool. The problem is, when an older woman tries to pull it off, the look leaves one feeling…weirded out? It becomes a bit tacky with age.

Dressing up in a costume when it isn’t Halloween.
I used to have superwoman pajamas with a cape that came on and off with Velcro. They were amazing. Little kids can do stuff like that. And not just with pajamas. How many times have you seen a kid in the supermarket that’s dressed like a princess or a tiger and it’s just adorable? So many times. Well, maybe not that often, but it happens! Kids play dress up whenever the hell they want to and it’s cool! Now I feel stupid enough dressing up when it’s Halloween (unless I’m being a “slutty” fill-in-the-appropriate-word-here). So here is my salute to little kids dressing up whenever they get the urge.

Light up sneakers.

LA GEAR, son. These things were seriously cool. I mean cooler than the shoes where you could pump the tongue and something in the shoe would pump up? Well maybe not that cool. Anyways, light up shoes are still alive and well even though I’m not sure if LA Lights are still around. Mostly now when I see light up shoes they accompany Dora the Explorer or Diego. They are still pretty pimp though. I can’t keep my eyes off them. Too bad little kids go to sleep before dark normally. It’s cooler walking around in those things when you can really see the lights pop.

Shaving patterns into the back of one’s head.
Basically, little boys like to shave things into their heads. NY Yankees symbols, initials, the current year…all are possible candidates to get shaven into one’s head. But once you pass middle school the only way you can really pull off anything other than racing stripes shaved into your head (and not everyone can even pull that off) is if you are a hip hop mogul. Then you can do whatever you want. You can shave things in your head and wear sunglasses that look like window shades and not care about anything because you are a hip hop mogul and you can do what you want. But other than that, most children who have the urge to express themselves through hair buzzing should get it done preferably before the age of 11? The sooner the better actually. Because it won’t always be this cute:


Rat-tails.

I am willing to bet that about 60% of all hipsters now used to rock a rat-tail. And I am also willing to bet that from this percentage, 0% regret it. Rat-tails were grossly amazing and I can’t think of one boy from my neighborhood that did not once sport that extra bit of hair gracefully hanging down the back of his neck at one time or another. Even some kids today have rat-tails. I coached a youth soccer team last year, and one kid, Peter, definitely had a rat-tail. There was also a good chance he had ADHD (or maybe I just couldn’t keep control of my youth soccer team…) Anyways, back to rat-tails. They are just another wonderful fashion option for kiddos, but unfortunately when adults have them, it’s kind of gross. And once a grown man has a rat-tail it’s a slippery slope that can lead to the all-powerful mullet.

Having a painted face.
I mean this one’s pretty self-explanatory. Small children can get their faces painted with all sorts of designs and look cute or cool or whatever. And even be proud of it. Once you’re older, the look becomes creepy. I don’t even really like when girls go to sporting events and just have a little logo painted on. I did that once. And there is one picture from that day and I regret it every time I look at that picture.



Wearing nothing at all.
Last and certainly not least, little kids always seem to run around butt naked and it’s okay. But, as you can see on the chart below, there is a direct correlation between your age and the grossness/likeliness to get arrested for said nakedness.



So as you age, it must be taken into account that you may no longer run amuck in your birthday suit without fear of social condemnation or eventual jail time.


And that concludes my list of things little kids can get away with wearing that no one else can! Feel free to leave comments of your own personal little kid fashion faux pas favorites.