Monday, August 25, 2008

And the winner is…

I am very sorry it has taken so long to tally the votes…the child laborers I hired did not work out. They were working such long hours that I figured things were coming along smoothly, but when I finally decided to check on their work, they had woven multiple baskets. But no vote-tallies. So I sat down and did it myself and without further ado…

Here is the moment that you’ve all been waiting for (or just the announcement of what you all already know if you’ve read through the comments)…

The winners of the Old School TV Awards!!!!

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
This category was one that was easily determined in the popular vote, giving Sean Hunter the prestigious Best Supporting Actor Statue. No one really said much about their pick in this category either, as the mere vote could stand for itself without any pomp and circumstance. As one voter so clairvoyantly put it, “Hunter in a landslide.”

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
This was a really tight race between Topanga and Kimmy Gibbler. But as one voter put it succinctly, when it came down to edging out the competition by just one vote, the winner was “Kimmy Gibbler—hands down.” Sure, she was obnoxious at times, but she managed to be more endearing to our voters than Topanga, based mostly on two factors I like to call “Topanga’s Double-Downfall. Hair and weight.

Sure, one voter had a “huge crush on her huge boobs,” while another commented on her “great hair,” but she let others down by being “plain old unattractive in the entire middle half of BMV,” and when “she got fat.”

This is where good old neighborhood weirdo Kimmy Gibbler stepped in for the win, mostly because, as one voter put it, “she was always there for a laugh.”

Best Actor

The nominations for best actor were obviously lacking, and if the nomination team (me) did a better job of thinking things through before I listed these nom’s, I think we’d have a clear-cut winner (Will from Fresh Prince). But alas, I messed up, so it turned into a close match up between Zack Morris, freezer of time, and Urkel, suspender-donning extraordinaire.

And when it came down to the wire, apparently being able to freeze time gave Zack the edge over Urkel’s ability to morph into Stefan, the smooth talking hottie who had all sorts of bitches (Laura and Myra) fighting for his love. But, as one voter mentioned, “nailin’ Kelly Kapowski? Get out of here, no one can live up to that.” And it’s true; no one did live up to that. And so Zack has won Best Actor.

Best Actress

Alex Mack took the cake here, for her ability to appeal to voters of both sexes—girls appreciated her ability to play a pile of glowing toxic muck, while the men appreciated her fine young tail. One voter even went so far as to say if he could have “opened a spank-bank account in those days, she would have been my first deposit.” Very eloquently put, Dan.

I guess that pretty much sums it up for her. Congrats, Alex.

Best Villian

A tie! A tie! Two very different villains. One male. One female. One’s a real jerk. One’s a real bitch. One’s a person. One’s a cartoon. Roger Klotz and Libby Chessler came away with the award for best Villian(s)… even though one voter suggested that Roger was not even close to evil enough. That’s what everyone said about that white lions that attacked Roy of Siegfried and Roy. Never underestimate the evil within.

Best Voice of Reason

A unanimous decision, and the right one in my book…Mr. Feeny (excuse my previous misspellings) came away with the win in this category easily. He was so far ahead in the race, he had time to stop and give life lessons to Corey, Sean, Topanga, Eric and The Matthews Parents INDIVIDUALLY and still beat the others to the finish. One reader stated “a vote against Feeny here might as well be a vote for communism.” And nobody likes China. They cheat in gymnastics. Good votes, readers. Good voice of reason, Feeny.

Best Cartoon

Doug. Just look at him… How could he not win?

Best show on SNICK

Alex Mack was squeezed out of another trophy by scary favorite “Are You Afraid of the Dark.” I would usually watch up until they threw the sand in the fire and said the name of the story. Then I’d pee my pants and run away to my room. And change my pants.

Best show on TGIF
Boy Meets World, baby. This show had a lot of nominations and is having a very strong showing here in the results…just a great show.

Best Nick Daytime Show

Hey Dude came away with the trophy here, beating out The Adventures of Pete & Pete by a mere 2 votes. People really liked the idea of the show though, as one voter said, “my grandparents once went to a dude ranch when I was younger. I was so disappointed when it wasn’t the same one.” This voter also believed it when her dad told her if you cut a 1 inch hole in an airplane when you are inside the airplane, your entire body will be sucked out of the aircraft. What a sucker.

Best Game Show

Legends of the Hidden Temple—everyone really loved that giant talking stone head, the color/animal team name generator, and the temple guards that were far too scary for the young children running through the maze to have to deal with. Every time a Temple guard jumped out when I was watching, I would have a heart attack. I had high blood pressure as a child.

Best Theme Song
A tie! A tie! Reading Rainbow and Family Matters – both great themes… The Reading Rainbow theme “to this day spends a good percentage of the day stuck in my head,” one voter truly stated, while another said of the Family Matters theme that he “learned more about life during that theme song than I did during 16 years of formal schooling.”

So true.

And that about wraps it up! Thanks for your votes, thanks for your complaints, and thanks for reading!

This has been the first edition of Old School TV awards. Check back soon for more pointless awards, countdowns and rants.

Until next time – enjoy

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I am currently a vagabond.

A vagabond is a (generally impoverished) itinerant person. Such people may be called tramps, rogues, or hobos. A vagabond is characterised by almost continuous travelling, lacking a fixed home, temporary abode, or permanent residence. Vagabonds are not bums, as bums are not known for travelling but preferring to stay in one location.


Friday, August 15, 2008

Old School TV Awards - Sorry I Missed It!

Everyone complains nowadays about how people in our generation don’t really care about anything important, aren’t passionate about events in the news, politics, etc… Well I have found that people our age do not lack passion. You just have to talk about something they care about. Like television shows from the 90s.

While the votes are being tallied, before the winners are announced, I would like to take the time to honor some old school TV shows and characters that were not nominated for awards, mostly due to oversight by yours truly. And let me tell you, the comments I received due to these non-nominations were harsh. One voter told me I should be ashamed of myself, another “had a huge problem with some of the nominations” due to snubs. And though I tried my darndest to cover all my old school tv bases, it appears I missed some biggies. And it pissed people off. So without further ado, I will give some props to the shows I missed.

We’ll call these the Voter’s Choice Awards.

“A lack of acknowledgement of ‘The Fresh Prince’ is a glaring omission from this post.”

Yes, I agree with my whole heart. Fresh Prince of Bel Air with it’s awesome characters and great theme song would have taken home a fairly good share of these awards, or at least given Boy Meets World a run for their money. It also would have given us perhaps a better Best Actor nominee in Will, which would help ease the pain of another voter, “I can’t believe you just made me choose between Zach Morris and Uncle Jesse.” It also would have made the Best Supporting Actor race a bit less land-slideish with the addition of Carlton. There was also an off the record write-in for Uncle Phil in the voice of reason category:

“that scene
where wills dad comes back as a trucker
and then leaves him again
the hug at the end

And so it is with deepest regret that I apologize for the omission of Fresh Prince.

In the Best Theme Song category, there were many write-ins and disappointed voters. For this I do not feel so bad, because even though I did miss some of your favorites, all the theme songs back then were just so good, it’s hard to choose. I had to use some sort of judgment here. Nevertheless, here’s what I missed:
The Adventures of Pete & Pete’s theme was deemed “a great one”
The missing themes of Step by Step as well as Saved by the Bell really got one voters blood boiling.
And Doug’s theme, with the timeless beat box at the end was also mentioned as one that was failed to be mentioned.

And so yet again, I do apologize for missing some theme songs you loved the most.

In regard to Jessie Spano’s snub for Best Actress, one voter vented, “HELLO!!! The whole episode about her taking drugs to stay awake…PRICELESS.” I agree with this completely. And you know the write-in was a good one when a future voter uses it as their vote, which one such voter did with Jessie Spano. So although she was forgotten, and ultimately did not win the award for Old School TV Best Actress, Jessie wins a Voter’s Choice Award, or as I like to say “A Votie.”
Asked to comment on her recent win, Jessie responded, “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so….SCARED…”

Moving on to more snubs, let’s talk villains. One voter actually asked me to “be ashamed” that I forgot John McFlemp of Pete & Pete off the villain ballot. To this I say, I will not be ashamed, but I am sorry because I do not even remember who John McFlemp is (note to self: go back and watch Pete&Pete more.. probably won’t.). Anyways, sorry. Zeke the Plumber, from Salute Your Shorts, and Stuart, The Professor played by Fred Savage on BMW were two villains referenced by one angry voter…neither of which I seem to remember distinctly either. Which is why I probably snubbed them.

But again, I apologize for missing these villains, it is most likely because they scared me as a child so I blocked them from memory. So they ultimately win.

Lastly, one person had a problem with the nomination of Lori-Beth Dinberg as a Best Supporting Actress, asking “where did we find these people? I feel a Suckadapeepee rant coming on.” To this person I say, sorry, but I will agree to disagree. Firstly, where would we be without all her vital information, such as:

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants could make it very uncomfortable.

It's not nice to push your friend Billy off the roof and scream, “Look Neighbors! It's Raining Billy!!”

Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat ...and later realized he'd ruined a perfectly good hat

And in addition to all this vital information, I believe the category is best SUPPORTING actress. I bet I could lean a lot more stuff up against Lori-Beth Dinberg than Topanga and Kimmy Gibbler combined, if only purely based on her weight. So although I value your opinion, humble voters, I will stand up for LBD’s place on the ballot.

And I will leave you with one more comment from a non-voter, which I do completely agree with.

i feel like allen matthews needs a should out also
oh damn
yeah the matthews parents were good parents
auerbach.andrew: yeah but allen was just really good

So true.

Thanks for your votes, the winners will be announced shortly, and again I apologize for the people/shows I neglected.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Voting has ended for the Old School TV Battle!

Thanks for your input, results will be up shortly. In the meantime, enjoy this picture -

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Old School TV Awards – Nominees

From TGIF to Snick, weekends rocked my tv watching world when I was little. And if I was lucky, I might even catch an episode of Wild N' Crazy kids on a Saturday evening after I came in from playing made up games outside with my next door neighbor. We all know that television shows of our childhood rival any "critically acclaimed" show we watch now, even if we were to go back now and watch we'd realize that Fraggle Rock was so unrealistic, and Sam would never be able to just hoist that ladder up and down on Clarissa's window without anyone noticing.

With this post, we’re going to do things differently. Instead of me just picking the winners, I’m going to let you, the readers vote. This will also entail getting more readers than usual. I’ll work on that. Anyways, post your votes as a list in the comments section of the blog. I will total them and give a results post. Make sure you vote by August 13th. Or it won’t count!

Here are the nominees (note, people are referenced by character names, because we are more emotionally invested with the characters than the actors…)

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Cody Lambert, Step by Step- he'd always pour the chocolate syrup into his mouth for a long time and then drink some milk right from the carton and swish it around. I dreamed about doing that sometimes…
Donkeylips, Salute Your Shorts – this one doesn't really need to be explained. It just is.
Sam, Clarissa Explains It All- a best friend who would enter your 2nd floor room via ladder? That's pretty badass.
JTT, Home Improvement – remember the episode where they thought he had cancer? The hearts of preteen girls around the world all stopped for a moment.
Sean Hunter, Boy Meets World – Rebellious best friend. What a hottie.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Kimmy Gibbler, Full House – she was always there for a laugh, gotta give her that.
Patty Mayonaise, Doug – stoic performance.
Topanga, Boy Meets World – she changed a lot throughout the years. From weird hippy’ish girl in class to hottie and love of Corey’s life. Gotta give the girl props for climbing the ladder.
Lori-Beth Dinberg, All That AND Figure It Out – She did double duty on Nick shows back in the day. And who could have lived without her “Vital Information?”

Best Actor
Urkel, Family Matters
- beloved by all for his extreme dorkiness, we wouldn't have "Thanked Goodness It's Friday" every week if Urkel weren't waiting for us at 8PM.
Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, Home Improvement - so some people may not agree with Tim's nomination in this prestigious category, given his manly grunts and general clumsiness. But my dad really loved him. So here he is.
Zack Morris, Saved by the Bell - ultimate heart throb for preteen girls in the 80s everywhere. Unless they were an AC Slater girl.
Doug, Doug - Some may argue that he is a cartoon, and therefore not an actor. I agree to disagree.
Uncle Jesse, Full House – no one could rival that hair. Or the look in his eyes at his wedding when he tenderly played the piano and sang “Forever” to Becky.

Best Actress
Stephanie, Full House – she was more of a main character I guess, and I didn't want to put her as supporting because she'd hit me with a "How Rude!"
Laura, Family Matters – no one else could play the pure hatred of Steve Urkel with the lovable goodness of Laura.
Suzanne Sommers, Step by Step – the role she was playing at the time of the Thighmaster may be the most important role of all.
Alex Mack, Secret Life of Alex Mack – I didn’t see any of these other people turn to silver ooze. That’s good acting.

Best Villian
Ug, Salute Your Shorts – the guy always had sunscreen on his nose! What a douche!
Roger Klotz, Doug – he was pretty mean.
Ferguson, Clarissa Explains it All – what a stupid nerd, he always got in the way.
Libby Chessler, Sabrina the Teenage Witch – I didn’t actually really remember her until I researched for this post. But I did find this quiz where you can see how much you remember about this bitch of a villain…

Best Voice of Reason
Mr. Pheeney, Boy Meets World – the man brought the characters we love from elementary school all the way through adulthood and managed to stay relevant in their lives, following them from middle school to high school to college. Love him.
Wilson, Home Improvement – never saw the guy’s face. But it was what inside that counted most. He gave great advice.
Mr. Dink, Doug – he was always making wacky inventions and didn’t seem to be the smartest person to turn to, but Doug always counted on him for advice when he needed it most.
Dana, Step by Step – she may have been one of the kids, but Dana was the most level headed person in the household. She was also a real bore and nerd-o.

The nominees for our favorite classic shows will have no introductions, as they speak for themselves:

Best Cartoon
Ren And Stimpy
Bobby's World
Rocko's Modern Life
Ahhh! Real Monsters

Best show on SNICK
Clarissa Explains it All
Secret World of Alex Mack
All That
Kenan And Kel
Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Best show on TGIF
Full House
Family Matters
Step by Step
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Boy Meets World

Best Nick Daytime Show
Salute Your Shorts
Hey Dude
Adventures of Pete and Pete

Best Game Show
Double Dare – classic.
What Would You Do – Pies in the face! Weird bugs! Eating odd things! Marc Sommers!
Supermarket Sweep – I always wanted to go on a Supermarket Sweep. So badly.
Guts – “take it down to Mo, MO!”
Legends of the Hidden Temple – green monkeys, blue barracudas, purple parrots, silver snakes, orange iguanas, red jaguars… how could we forget?
Wild N' Crazy Kids – how did they think of these weird games? And deal with the millions of wild n’ crazy kids on every show?
Figure It Out – I hated when the judges would guess really stupid things just for a laugh. You’re trying too hard, Lori-Beth Dinberg. If the Secret Slime Action was trying too hard, you’d be drenched.

Best Theme Song
(clicking on each show will take you to YouTube to relive the theme song, in case you may have forgotten for a moment)
Hey Dude
Clarissa Explains it All
Family Matters
Reading Rainbow
Salute Your Shorts
Full House
All That

That concludes the nominations for this Old School TV awards post. Let voting begin immediately, she cried out!

I look forward to seeing the winners.