Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Gearing up for a JC Hallow’s Eve

Hoover and I were talking about Halloween the last week, and we had the idea that she should dress up like a scarecrow and sit on our porch, then come to life and scare the crap out of kids who are trick or treating. Then we realized that it’s probably not the best idea, seeing as the kid may shoot or shank her, especially when startled. See, living in Jersey City you become aware of a different sort of culture. I once saw a homeless man chasing a kid down the street throwing large rocks at him. Later, I saw the same homeless man being arrested as the kid looked on.

So is life in the dirty Jers. That’s why I’ve decided to come up with a list of the “Top 5 things you need to know for a Jersey City Halloween.” And without further ado…

5. That fake gun might be real.
Don’t think for one second the “toy gun” that seven year old is holding is not loaded. If you are off your guard for one moment, the kid can lock, load, and shoot that weapon faster than you can whip off your Kate Gosselin wig and try to dodge the attack. To combat use of weaponry, make sure you handily disarm any child you see who is holding a gun, sword or blow gun. And if you can’t see where their hands are, you should probably take them to the ground just in case.

4. The unwrapped piece of taffy with shards of glass coming out of it isn’t a new type of candy.
It would probably be a good idea NOT to eat it.

3. If you see a bunch of “doctors,” it’s probably just the cast of the new hit NBC show, Mercy…
Which is shot in Jersey City.

2. Be prepared for a large proportion of Princess Jasmine costumes.
Or Kelly Kapur from The Office.

1. If you see someone dressed as a homeless person, it’s most likely not a costume.
Nothing against the homeless people of JC, but they do exist in pretty large numbers. So if a “large child” dressed in rags shows up at your door smelling a little bit like a soiled diaper, it might not be someone in costume. In this case, promptly close the door to your house and if you’re feeling generous, slide a dollar bill outside.