A Salute to America!

Well it's that time of year again—July 4th's coming up, people are getting in gear to take a nice long weekend, enjoy some American favorites like a cold Bud Lime and a hot dog right off the grill, and maybe watch a little baseball. And all the while knowing that our country is better than every other one in the world. And to prove it, we'll set off fireworks. Discovered by the Chinese.

So I'd like to take this post to honor America with some of the things I remember from US History from throughout the years. And without further ado… 5 pieces of American History I appreciate most because they are a little bit funny:

5. Filibusters
Okay, Filibusters are funny for several reasons. One, they just have a really silly name for something that is supposed to have a higher purpose. And two, they make people talk for absurd amounts of time. Three, they just seem like the silliest thing in the world. Why do they even exist?

Quick recap—a filibuster is a way to stop legislation from being passed by literally talking forever so the vote cannot happen, or is very delayed. To me, it seems like a childish idea at heart, but there's a competitive spirit to it, and Americans love to compete. So I guess it fits well with the USA way.

Best Filibuster moment: in 1957, Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina set a record by talking for 24 hours and 18 minutes straight. Now that is commitment to a cause. Unfortunately for him, the bill ultimately passed. And he can never got that 24 hours back. Or his voice.

4. Preston Brook’s Senate Beatdown of Charles Sumner.
In 1856, Senator Charles Sumner of Massachusetts gave a very passionate speech about how slavery should not be tolerated anymore in the United States. He called out three prominent men in particular for their views and political actions regarding the issue—Stephen Douglas, James Mason, and Andrew Pickens Butler of South Carolina.

Butler, who had recently had a stroke and was recuperating in his state of South Carolina was given special attention by Sumner’s ridicule. Listening from the back of the Senate chamber, Stephen Douglas reportedly said, “that damned fool will get himself killed by some other damned fool.”

Good foresight. This nearly happened. Except instead of death, Sumner was just bludgeoned by a walking stick by Congressman Preston Brooks, who took offense to Sumner’s comments. (and was the nephew of Andrew Butler, one of Sumner’s targets. It’s all so Soprano-esque…)

Instead of asking Sumner to duel like a real gentleman would, Brooks just waltzed into the Senate chambers and started beating him with a stick. The beatdown continued for a whole minute as Sumner, who was tall, struggled to get his lanky legs out from under his desk and defend himself. And everyone else in the Senate Chamber got up from their lunch tables and started chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" until the principal came and broke it up.



I guess if you look at the reality of this situation, it’s not that funny. But to me, the fact that an elected official acted like a drunken idiot at a bar and just started beating the crap out of someone because he made fun of his uncle is a little bit funny.

And I think when we learned about it in high school it was funny because we didn’t get all the details. Just that a Congressman beat a Senator up. That’s funny when you’re 16 for some reason. Then we all went home and watched WWF Smackdown. And gave each other high fives.

3. The Scopes Monkey Trial
Aight, yo. Basically there was a law in Tennessee (obviously) that said there was to be no teaching of evolution in public schools. Actually nothing that went against "the story of Divine Creation of man as taught in the Bible." Well, John Scopes, a high school teacher looking to spread the gospel of truth, was charged with teaching evolution and showing ideas from (gasp!) Charles Darwin.

So they settled it the American way. Went to a bar, got drunk and fought for a couple minutes before the bartender kicked their asses out. Just kidding, they went to court! The trial "pitted two of the preeminent legal minds of the time against one another," William Jennings Bryan and Clarence Darrow (I like the way Wikipedia referred to this fact).

But I guess the main reason this piece of American history really sticks in my mind as funny (besides the fact that the word monkey is in it—instant American funniness), is the way Mr. Herb taught it to us in AP American. Before he got fired. But that's beside the point. He taught me about the Scopes Monkey Trial so well that I will never erase the picture of him in my mind performing a piece of a play based on the Scopes trial, standing behind his lectern and yelling, "GOD TELLS BRADY, BRADY TELLS THE PEOPLE; BRADY, BRADY BRADY!" Then he hung upside down in the doorway and did his impression of a three-toed sloth. Great teacher.

Anyway, thanks Mr. Herb for forever eternalizing this evolution case with a funny name. And giving me one of my favorite pieces of American History with a funny name.

2. Colonial Wigs
So the founders of the Constitution did a pretty good job of drafting a document to dictate the future of our country. And it still holds true today. To think that they could have the foresight to craft a set of truths that would withstand the test of time as our country grew from infancy in 1776 until now, over 200 years later, is a outstanding feat. But the real kicker is that the whole time they were cooped up in that ol’ Pennsylvania state house drafting the damn thing, they were wearing ridiculous wigs. What was the meaning of this? Did people not grow hair then? Maybe they were “thinking caps.” I gotta try one on someday and see if I can write something as timeless as the Constitution.

I’m sure these wigs were hot as hell. And itchy to boot! But I guess you can’t beat fashion like this:


It just makes the whole signing of the Constitution thing seem a little bit silly. Every guy in there was wearing one of these. And I bet there were trains of sweat running down their faces from underneath their cumbersome wigs. I wish I could travel back in time to see it! In a bonnet.

And the whole signing of the Constitution wasn’t the only time people wore these—these wigs made prominent appearances in events like The Boston Tea Party, Paul Revere’s famous ride, and also during big Revolutionary War battles. Think about that. Not only are you dying on a battlefield, but your last moments are going to be with an itchy head. Bummer.

So that’s why wigs are funny. And an integral part of American History. Even though they looked ridiculous.

…And don’t think I’m letting you off the hook, Abraham Lincoln. Your hat was a little outrageous. And wooden teeth? You were the President for goodness sake. Have some self respect.

1. William Taft getting stuck in a bathtub.
This one really doesn't need too much explaining. Picture it—William Taft (our 27th President for you unAmericans out there), our heaviest president at 332 pounds, getting literally stuck in the White House bathtub. They had to have an oversized version brought in for him to use. And a crane to get him in and out of bed. Just kidding. Not really.

Whoever is blaming juices and energy drinks for the current obesity crisis, please stop! I think we found the root of the problem—kids are just trying emulate our 27th President, but come on, can't we give them a break? They just want to run the most powerful country in the world. And get their own custom bathtub. It's the American dream, man.

And, the kicker, which I just found out while researching Taft's exact poundage, is the fact that "Taft liked milk so much he brought his own cow to the White House. The cow's name was Mooly Wolly."

Thanks, William Taft, for being hilarious.


And thanks, America. For being the great country that you are.