“This is Top Chef, not Top Scallop”

While watching Top Chef last night, some people got into a heated debate of how many times Jamie has made scallops this season, and if that amount of scallops was too much. Never having had scallops myself, I can’t really comment on their validity or if cooking with them too much would be a bad thing to do. But what I can do confidently (after some careful research of every episode’s recap), is tell you how many times Jamie has worked with scallops so far:

3 times*.

Out of the eight episodes, Jamie has cooked scallops in two of the episodes, but for both the quick fire AND elimination challenge on one night. That means if you watch any episode from this season so far, there is a 25% chance that Jamie will be working with scallops at least once. That percentage does seem quite high.

On the other hand, out of the 16 quickfire/elimination challenges that have so far occurred, if you take the three instances of scallop into account, there is only a 18.75% chance per challenge that Jamie will have scallops on her menu. This makes things seem a little less scallop-y.

So now the mystery is solved and everyone can go back to enjoying Leah and Hosea’s canoodling, Stefan’s ego, Fabio’s cute accent and Carla’s facial expressions instead of worrying about the number of mollusks being cooked.


*Notes:
The number 3 was reached through careful perusal of Top Chef season 5 episode recaps by yours truly. Each episode recap was browsed until both dishes Jamie cooked for that night were found and recorded. The findings are listed below:

Episode 1: Premiere!
Quick Fire: Cutting apples/etc.
Elimination Challenge: Pan roasted sea bass and eggplant puree with wile arugula salad

Episode 2: Getting Crafty at Craft
Quick Fire: Hot Dog Challenge
Elimination Challenge: Chilled Corn Soup

Episode 3: Thanksgiving at Foo Fighters
Quick Fire: Deconstructed Falafel Soup
Elimination Challenge: Corn Salad and Wax Beans

Episode 4: Today Show
Quick Fire: Amuse Bouche! - Egg on toast dish
Elimination Challenge: TV demo - A frisee salad with a duck egg (that does not set!)

Episode 5: Gail’s Bridal Shower
Quick Fire: Identifying the ingredients in a dish by tasting it
Elimination Challenge: Cooking for the Bridal shower. Jamie’s team is something borrowed, Jamie makes a carrot puree.

Episode 6:The 12 Days of Christmas
Quick Fire: SCALLOP on a potato-kale stew
Elimination Challenge: 7 swans a swimming: SCALLOP “swimming” in vichyssoise

Episode 7: Focus Group
Quick Fire: stone fruit Napoleon
Elimination Challenge: SCALLOPS with fennel and orange

Episode 8: Down on the Farm
Quick Fire: Bruschetta
Elimination Challenge: Chicken team, no scallops here.

Want to feel better about being a Bills Fan?

I sure do. Every year I am reduced to watching the NFL playoffs rooting solely for members of my playoff fantasy football team to succeed, with no real pride at stake nor real concern for who wins. The excitement of Super Bowls mainly consists of happiness to consume tasty snacks, drink some beer and anticipation for the most talked about commercials of the year (gotta embrace that advertising nerdiness).

When the Buffalo Bills fail to make the playoffs (as they have continued to do since 1999's horrifying Music City Miracle incident), I have no stake in the playoffs whatsoever. And sometimes, it leaves me feeling unfulfilled. But I read about some teams in my most recent TIME magazine that make me feel a little better about that 7-9 record...

First off, the Detriot Lions this year were awful. 0-16 making history baby. But besides that obvious one, Time provided some more examples of awful teams:

Philadelphia 76s, 1972-73 season
Record: 9-73
That's a win percentage of .109
Come on now, they played over 80 games and only won 9 of them. That's depressing.

NY Mets, 1962 season
Record: 40-120
They lost one hundred and twenty times?! That is so many times.

Washington Capitals, 1974-75 season
Record: 8-67-5
Yeesh. A whopping eight wins. I mean that's more than the Bills had this year but I'm hoping if the Bills had over 65 more games this season they would snagged a couple more W's.


So next time you're feeling down as a Bills fan thinking about Wide Right or the Music City Crapacle, think about the fans of these teams. At least we aren't that bad.

Movies I have seen lately

In order to make my Oscar predictions accurately and effectively I am trying to see any movie that will likely be nominated in the next few weeks. Already, thanks to a vacation from work and no real social life, I have seen the following films:

Doubt
Seven Pounds
Marley and Me
Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Reader
Milk

Now, with my wealth of cinema knowledge gained from taking Cinema Production 1 in college (and watching a lot of movies), I will give you my critical assessment of each of these films.


DOUBT
“When you take a step to address wrongdoing you are taking a step away from God. But in his service.”



We’ll start with Doubt, an adaptation from a play about a nun at a Catholic School who suspects the priest there of taking advantage of a young male student. I must say that the acting in this film is stellar, Meryl Streep is very tough as the persistent head nun at the school, yet shows a vulnerability that her character is trying so hard to suppress. Phillip Seymour Hoffman plays the role of friendly, yet pretty creepy long-fingernailed priest very believably, and causes us to really doubt the harsh accusations of Streep’s nun. Amy Adams rounds out the core of main players as a young nun, caught in the middle of this conflict between two very strong characters. Her character’s struggle to cope with the consequences of taking either side in the argument is played so wonderfully by Adams with an innocence that perfectly juxtaposes Streep and Hoffman.

I enjoyed the film, although it did leave me a little unsatisfied, not by any of the performances, rather the plot. Though the name of the movie is Doubt, and we are expected to never have all details be fully disclosed to the viewer, the ambiguity of the story left something to be desired for me. It did spark conversation from a lot of people leaving the theater, yet for me endless possibilities are frustrating.

Possible nominations: Meryl Streep will definitely get a Best Actress nod, Hoffman may also get nominated. Viola Davis, who plays the mother of the boy who has a possibly inappropriate relationship with Hoffman’s priest, will probably walk away with a Best Supporting Actress nomination as well. Her powerful performance of a mother just trying to do what’s best for her son in the face of adversity of all sorts is memorable enough to catch the eye of any critic (even if the snot running down her face while she cries was really distracting to me).

The Marci-Meter

3.5 out of 5


SEVEN POUNDS
“I did something really bad once and I'm never gonna be the same.”

Oh man this movie was bad…People were leaving the theatre. Like several groups of people left the theater. In a recession. After they had spent $10 on each ticket. That tells you something. Will Smith is a great man and actor, and the last 20 minutes of this film are kind of cool (probably because you finally realize what the hell was going on for the previous 80 minutes), but it takes so long to get there that we are tired and don’t care anymore.

It’s not all bad and the plot had potential to be interesting, but the story drags on and it’s just not enough to hold the attention of the average moviegoer.

Possible nominations:
…

The Marci-Meter

1 out of 5



MARLEY AND ME
“He's just like a little kid, except you know, furrier.”

Oh man, this movie was great. I went to see it on Christmas with my mom and dad and we all LOVED IT. Probably because we have a similarly destructive dog (see banner above) so we could relate to most of the chaos happening onscreen. In fact, anyone who has ever had a dog will love this film. Some boys I talked to did not like the film because it made them cry. Here’s a newsflash – it makes everyone cry. It would make Chuck Norris cry.

Anyways, Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston play a believable couple journeying through early married life and starting their official family with the adoption of a lovable pup, Marley. I mean I don’t want to give too much away but the movie makes you laugh, cry and everything in between, all while munching happily on popcorn.

If you want to go to a movie that does not force you to think critically about a controversial social issue, the meaning of life, or makes you leave wondering what really happened behind closed doors, dish out the dough and see Marley and Me. You won’t regret it!

*Disclaimer: Non-dog lovers may find this movie irritating and dumb.

The Marci-Meter

4 out of 5

Possible nominations:
This one isn’t really an Oscar favorite…but it’s still good!


THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
“My name is Benjamin Button, and I was born under unusual circumstances. While, everyone else was agin', I was gettin' younger...”

Everyone talks about how long this movie is and blah blah blah… I think they should all shut up about it! I didn’t think that it dragged, and I am known to be fidgety in movies that bore. The movie is interesting enough to keep viewers engaged as we watch Brad Pitt age backwards and meet Cate Blanchett’s character in the middle of their lives. The tragedy of the situation is heartbreaking, and the film really makes you look at the fragility of life, lived aging either backwards or forwards.

The special effects are especially engaging as it was so amazing that we could Pitt’s features evident in his character’s face as he journeys from the body of an 80 year old man to a small boy. I read an article about how the fact that we’ve seen Pitt age from a young star into the man he is today makes it that much more impactful when we see Benjamin Button morph into a man in his young 20s, because it’s a face we’ve seen before. It really hits home on its themes of the fleetingness of both life and love.

I also really enjoyed the cinematography of this movie. It was shot beautifully; with a consistent tone that was subdued yet beautiful. It’s really emphasized if you look through still shots of the film like these for example:



Anyways, I thought this movie was well made and enjoyable. Definitely up for some nominations.

Possible Nominations: Pitt will get a Best Actor Nod, Blanchett may or may not get recognition for her role of Daisy, which I believe she played wonderfully, Fincher will get a nomination for his I think brilliant direction of this film, and Taraji P. Henson will most likely get a nom for her role as Benjamin’s generous, loving caregiver. This film is also a definite runner for best picture in my book.

The Marci-Meter:

4 out of 5


THE READER
“It doesn’t matter what I think. It doesn’t matter what I feel. The dead are still dead.”

Wow. Take a great performance by Kate Winslet, add it to a moving and thought-provoking story about love, human nature, and the controversy of a world trying to cope with the atrocities of the Holocaust, and you get a wonderful film. I was pretty blown away by The Reader, and even though it had a depressing premise, I was very moved by it.

It makes you think but not in the same way that Doubt does. Not in a way where you can think and think and never know what’s really happened. But rather it makes you think in a way where we do know exactly what has happened and now we have to try to come to terms with it individually as well as culturally.

I feel like this movie is more powerful if you go into viewing it without preconceived notions or a real sense for the plot of the movie, so I am not going to dive into the details here. But to me, this film was thought-provoking, smart, and filled with powerful performances.

Possible Nominations: Kate Winslet really should be nominated for best supporting actress, but I’m not sure if this movie will get any other nominations.

The Marci-Meter:

4 out of 5


MILK
“All men are created equal. No matter how hard you try, you can never erase those words.”



This movie tells the story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to serve in public office, and I found it to be a very well acted film and inspiring. Maybe because I saw it after seeing movies for three straight days, but I also thought it dragged just a bit. But the acting was quite phenomenal, starting with Sean Penn’s portrayal of Milk. His mannerisms and overall aura were great, and the supporting cast worked brilliantly as well: Josh Brolin as fellow City Supervisor Dan White, James Franco as Milk’s first (and maybe true?) love, and Emile Hirsch as a passionate young gay activist were standouts.

For me, this movie told an exceptional story, but took a little bit too long to do so. The acting was amazing, and without the great performances I probably would have liked the film a lot less. But in all, the story itself is inspiring and captivating, making this film one that you really should see.

Possible Nominations:
This film will definitely get a best picture nod, and Sean Penn will be nominated for best actor. I also think Josh Brolin will get a nomination for best supporting actor.

The Marci-Meter

3.5 out of 5


So that wraps up the reviews of movies I have seen lately! I’ll leave you with a list of the ones I still have to catch before the Oscars…and you should too!

Gran Torino
Slumdog Millionaire
The Wrestler
Revolutionary Road
Frost/Nixon
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Changeling
Rachel Getting Married
Defiance

Kids Wear the Darndest Things

I hate growing up. When you are little, you can do just about anything you want and the consequences aren’t really huge even if you mess up. Take clothing for example. If I wore things to work that I used to wear when I was a little kid, I would be ostracized, ridiculed, fired, or all of the above.

But little kids can get away with wearing anything. Stuff that once you reach a certain age just makes you just look stupid or crazy. Or both. I found this picture of me when I was little wearing this weird leather vest with a cowboy hat, jeans with elastic bottoms and silly sneakers and it was actually cute. In a weird, ugly way.

So without further ado, here’s a look at some of my favorite little kid fashion faux pas. Things only little kids can pull off (or not even…):

Wearing pink jeans with a pink shirt.

A little girl favorite. Nothing like rocking out in the pink shirt, with the pink jeans, and if she’s feeling really ambitious, the addition of a purple scarf rounds the outfit out nicely. The perfect look for the 2-5 year old on their morning commute to preschool. The problem is, when an older woman tries to pull it off, the look leaves one feeling…weirded out? It becomes a bit tacky with age.

Dressing up in a costume when it isn’t Halloween.
I used to have superwoman pajamas with a cape that came on and off with Velcro. They were amazing. Little kids can do stuff like that. And not just with pajamas. How many times have you seen a kid in the supermarket that’s dressed like a princess or a tiger and it’s just adorable? So many times. Well, maybe not that often, but it happens! Kids play dress up whenever the hell they want to and it’s cool! Now I feel stupid enough dressing up when it’s Halloween (unless I’m being a “slutty” fill-in-the-appropriate-word-here). So here is my salute to little kids dressing up whenever they get the urge.

Light up sneakers.

LA GEAR, son. These things were seriously cool. I mean cooler than the shoes where you could pump the tongue and something in the shoe would pump up? Well maybe not that cool. Anyways, light up shoes are still alive and well even though I’m not sure if LA Lights are still around. Mostly now when I see light up shoes they accompany Dora the Explorer or Diego. They are still pretty pimp though. I can’t keep my eyes off them. Too bad little kids go to sleep before dark normally. It’s cooler walking around in those things when you can really see the lights pop.

Shaving patterns into the back of one’s head.
Basically, little boys like to shave things into their heads. NY Yankees symbols, initials, the current year…all are possible candidates to get shaven into one’s head. But once you pass middle school the only way you can really pull off anything other than racing stripes shaved into your head (and not everyone can even pull that off) is if you are a hip hop mogul. Then you can do whatever you want. You can shave things in your head and wear sunglasses that look like window shades and not care about anything because you are a hip hop mogul and you can do what you want. But other than that, most children who have the urge to express themselves through hair buzzing should get it done preferably before the age of 11? The sooner the better actually. Because it won’t always be this cute:


Rat-tails.

I am willing to bet that about 60% of all hipsters now used to rock a rat-tail. And I am also willing to bet that from this percentage, 0% regret it. Rat-tails were grossly amazing and I can’t think of one boy from my neighborhood that did not once sport that extra bit of hair gracefully hanging down the back of his neck at one time or another. Even some kids today have rat-tails. I coached a youth soccer team last year, and one kid, Peter, definitely had a rat-tail. There was also a good chance he had ADHD (or maybe I just couldn’t keep control of my youth soccer team…) Anyways, back to rat-tails. They are just another wonderful fashion option for kiddos, but unfortunately when adults have them, it’s kind of gross. And once a grown man has a rat-tail it’s a slippery slope that can lead to the all-powerful mullet.

Having a painted face.
I mean this one’s pretty self-explanatory. Small children can get their faces painted with all sorts of designs and look cute or cool or whatever. And even be proud of it. Once you’re older, the look becomes creepy. I don’t even really like when girls go to sporting events and just have a little logo painted on. I did that once. And there is one picture from that day and I regret it every time I look at that picture.



Wearing nothing at all.
Last and certainly not least, little kids always seem to run around butt naked and it’s okay. But, as you can see on the chart below, there is a direct correlation between your age and the grossness/likeliness to get arrested for said nakedness.



So as you age, it must be taken into account that you may no longer run amuck in your birthday suit without fear of social condemnation or eventual jail time.


And that concludes my list of things little kids can get away with wearing that no one else can! Feel free to leave comments of your own personal little kid fashion faux pas favorites.

If only they had something like this for food consumption…

Gmail has a new application called “Google Goggles” that helps you refrain from sending embarrassing emails when you are drunk by using mathematical puzzlers. And who said you would never use math again once you got out of high school?

Basically, before you can send an email (only on nights/times you specify as party nights), a few basic arithmetic problems come up on the screen that you must answer correctly within a short period of time in order to send the message.

Seems pretty genius, I know. I don’t think I will be utilizing this service personally, usually when I get home and I’m drunk I don’t head right over to my computer to send emotionally charged emails. Rather, I check out foods that are available for immediate consumption, or beds available to pass out in.

And even though it is the first of its kind and pretty revolutionary, I do see a few flaws with this system:
1. People who just aren’t good at math in general may be seen as drunk all the time.
2. People who are really book smart (but usually not super street smart) will easily trump the simple math problems and send their drunken messages to the world.
3. Really emotional people may damage expensive technical equipment over frustration after not being able to send their innermost uninhibited thoughts. Have we forgotten where the term “RAGING alcoholic” came from?

Anyways, it’s a funny application and I give mad kudos to its creator, as well as Gmail, mostly for it’s clever name.

But I had one more qualm with the system, though it is entirely my own fault. I was a little disappointed because at first I thought they had developed some sort of algorithm that could determine that you were typing in a drunken stupor. Like based on the amount of misspelled words, spacing problems, etc… I don’t know I’m not an algorithm scientist, it just would have been way cooler if that’s how they did it. (note to nerd somewhere: develop this algorithm. I’ll find great uses for it)

(totally unrelated note: UCLA scientists recently discovered a 13-million digit prime number. It’s the first Mersenne prime number with more than 10 million digits. I’m sorry for people doing jobs like that.)

So anyway, back to those Google Goggles. A novel idea, and I hope we see something like this soon that will send an electric shock through your body if you are trying to eat too much pizza when you’re drunk. Just kidding. When you aren’t eating enough pizza while you’re drunk.

Women Fantasy Sports Update

Very interesting article in the AM Metro today about a new site that was launched by women who are sick of their significant other spending so much time playing fantasy sports. I thought this was especially relevant and kind of amusing after my post the other day about my look at fantasy football.

The site features a place for fantasy "victims" to vent about their neglect due to the importance of fantasy sports is even selling apparel - black panties that read "CLOSED For the Fantasy Football Season." I mean, in some cases you're just hurting yourselves ladies...

I understand that fantasy sports can take up a lot of a man's time, and that once in a while you wish your man was looking up cute presents to surprise you with rather than researching the hottest defenses in the NFL, but it's a hobby. It's a way to connect with friends, and for a lot of men, there's also pride at stake. When you're getting ragged on for leaving a pitcher in your lineup who got hurt during his last start, the best defense is probably not saying it was because you didn't have time between shopping with your girl and making her dinner...

I mean I guess I am probably not the norm in terms of women and knowledge/interest in sports, but from my experience if you kind of enjoy the sports that your man is playing fantasy sports of, it's a way you can actually become closer. Watching games together, keeping up on their fantasy players and rooting their team on may not seem like fun to women, but if you do this for him maybe he'll watch a chick flick or two...

Anyways, check out the site. And for all the ladies out there who are neglected by their fantasy sports lovin' men, try to get into it with him. I bet that's one of his fantasies....

a woman’s look at fantasy football

I recently saw a newscast about fantasy football leagues, and they highlighted one such league that was comprised entirely of….women! How weird! They then showed all these young women sitting around in newly purchased Reebok NFL Women’s gear, watching a football game, referencing their laptops frequently, and making jokes about how cute Tom Brady is.

And I’m not writing this post as a feminist or anything (even though I still hold a small grudge against my high school guy friends for kicking me out of their league when it became “guys only”) because my fantasy football league kind of proves the point that female fantasy leagues are oftentimes silly. There’s only four of us in the league, and we don’t even have a draft, Yahoo does that for us… my friend had Tom Brady as her starting QB until week 5, and you can pick up just about any other league’s first round draft picks on our waiver wire. But that’s not the point, is it? I mean, we have a league! And we’re girls! Give us props.

But it is exactly the point. Our league is silly, and no one cares who wins. Last year, one of the whopping four team owners forgot her Yahoo password and so did not make one change in her lineup all season. And still won a majority of her games with her automatically drafted team led by big Tom Brady in his glory day.

But if this is possible, how do men in these leagues seem to have mediocre teams at best when they research the players, make reasonable trade offers and carefully peruse the waiver wire for viable free agents? Easy. Fantasy football is a little about picking good guys, and a lot about luck. In the NFL, as long as you step foot on the football field, you can have a good week. Sure, some weeks are better than others (6 TD passes Favre?), and some are more consistent than others (Lee Evans can make or break you), but every Sunday there’s a chance that your back up running back could have the game of his life, and you got him sitting on your fantasy bench to start Larry Johnson (held to 2 rushing yards this week…).

It’s the flip of a coin, gentlemen. I guess the moral of the story is: take some chances on your fantasy team, because they might just pay off. And if not…it’s just fantasy right?

Alicia Keys & Jack White - Another Way to Die

''It's kind of like a roller coaster because it gets really big and loud, then it gets pulled in and soft. There's also a fly part where Jack's soloing on the guitar and I'm scatting. It's a dope mixture of our styles.''
-Alicia Keys in EW

Buffalo Bills Moments That Have Literally Made Me Cry

Tonight brings the start of a new NFL season, and with it new hopes for my beloved team, the Buffalo Bills. Every year they never cease to amaze me with their ability to find a way to lose in any situation. You have to give them some credit though, I mean what other team has gone to the Super Bowl four years in a row and come away with zero rings? No other team. So I have decided to list the five greatest Buffalo Bills letdowns that I can remember. Hopefully the Bills will not add anything to the list this year. I’m not even sure how much more heartbreak Buffalonians can take. I mean Drury’s long gone. And even the steel mills are closed. We don’t have much left.

5. The Dallas Monday Night Game Last Season
After forcing six turnovers and being up 24-13 at the end of the third quarter, the Bills managed to score zero points in the fourth quarter and give up 12 points (three of which being a last second field goal) to lose the game. I watched this game at a bar with some friends and obviously celebrated wildly with each Bills turnover as they started accumulating their unexpected lead. Then as the Bills allowed the Cowboys to score 9 points in the final 20 seconds of the game, I sat stunned at my barstool and withheld my urge to punch the obnoxious Cowboys fan that had stuck around just waiting for the Bills to give away the win.

In the last 20 seconds of the game, the Cowboys scored, missed a two-point conversion, and then recovered their on-sides kick. Then the Bills allowed them to complete two passes to set up a 53-yard last second field goal. Sometimes it’s like they’re TRYING to lose.

You’re killing me, Bills.

4. NO GOAL – (okay this is the Sabres, but it’s relevant)
How about when Brett Hull scored a goal in TRIPLE OVERTIME in GAME SIX of the STANLEY CUP FINALS in 1999? Could Buffalo get any closer to winning any big things without coming away with the win? Anyway, there used to be a rule in those days that if an offensive player had a foot in the goal crease, any goals scored during this infraction would NOT COUNT.

Brett Hull shot the puck, got the rebound and kicked the puck to his stick. At this point, his left foot went into the crease. He then shot the puck and scored. With his foot in the crease. Yet for some reason the NHL officials decided that this did not break the rule that a person’s foot could not be in the crease when they score.

What a disappointment. I stayed up mad late on a school night just to cry when we lost. You’re killing me, NHL officials.

At least this was less the Sabres giving away a win, and more of an officiating thing (not usually the way it works with the Bills)…

3. Losing 4 Straight Super Bowls
My mom had this Buffalo Bills hoodless sweatshirt back in the day that said “FOURPEAT.” Because it was the Bill’s fourth Super Bowl appearance in a row. The year before the sweatshirts all said “THREEPEAT.” That one made more sense. Either way, the Bills lost each and every time they made it. So that pretty much scarred my childhood.

2. WIDE RIGHT

Oh man. So freaking close. With 8 seconds left to play, the Bills only trailed the NY G-men by one point. ONE POINT. Scotty Norwood steps up to go for the 47-yard field goal for the win. And misses. Wide Right. Words that will forever haunt the dreams of Buffalo fans everywhere (though most of them can be found exclusively in Buffalo).


I feel really bad for Scott Norwood. The guy has to live with this for the rest of his life. And people like me who won’t let it go and keep writing about it on blogs and such.

But that’s beside the point. The bills found another way to lose. 20-19 final score. The closest score of a Super Bowl ever. Figures.

1.The Music City Miracle (aka FORWARD PASS) (aka the most I cried ever because of a Buffalo Sports Team)
NFL Wild Card Playoff Game, January 8, 2000. The Bills make a field goal with 16 seconds remaining on the clock to go ahead 16-15. Then the Bills kick the ball off to the Titans, hopefully to hold them from scoring in the last seconds of the game. But then this happens:



If you happened to miss that, they threw the ball across the entire width of the field and then ran it back for a touchdown. With no time left. To win the game. And knock the Bills out of the playoffs.

Also, if you missed it, it looked suspiciously like that pass across the field went FORWARD, which is illegal on kick returns, they are only allowed to pitch a ball backwards on a return. Yet, after the play was reviewed, “The ruling on the field stands.”

This was when I began to sob uncontrollably and yell about how stupid football refs are and how I hate the NFL and life. Then I calmed down, ate some chicken wings and sobbed softly for a few more hours.

Saddest part about this? The Bills haven’t made the playoffs since that season. Nine years ago. What a way to go out.


So, as much fun as it is to reminisce about the times that Buffalo Sports Teams have ripped my hopes and dreams of a Buffalo held title to shreds, it’s time to start new and hope for the best this season. And if it doesn’t work out, all of us Bills fans have gotten real good at saying, “There’s always next year.”

And the winner is…

I am very sorry it has taken so long to tally the votes…the child laborers I hired did not work out. They were working such long hours that I figured things were coming along smoothly, but when I finally decided to check on their work, they had woven multiple baskets. But no vote-tallies. So I sat down and did it myself and without further ado…

Here is the moment that you’ve all been waiting for (or just the announcement of what you all already know if you’ve read through the comments)…

The winners of the Old School TV Awards!!!!

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

This category was one that was easily determined in the popular vote, giving Sean Hunter the prestigious Best Supporting Actor Statue. No one really said much about their pick in this category either, as the mere vote could stand for itself without any pomp and circumstance. As one voter so clairvoyantly put it, “Hunter in a landslide.”

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

This was a really tight race between Topanga and Kimmy Gibbler. But as one voter put it succinctly, when it came down to edging out the competition by just one vote, the winner was “Kimmy Gibbler—hands down.” Sure, she was obnoxious at times, but she managed to be more endearing to our voters than Topanga, based mostly on two factors I like to call “Topanga’s Double-Downfall. Hair and weight.

Sure, one voter had a “huge crush on her huge boobs,” while another commented on her “great hair,” but she let others down by being “plain old unattractive in the entire middle half of BMV,” and when “she got fat.”

This is where good old neighborhood weirdo Kimmy Gibbler stepped in for the win, mostly because, as one voter put it, “she was always there for a laugh.”

Best Actor

The nominations for best actor were obviously lacking, and if the nomination team (me) did a better job of thinking things through before I listed these nom’s, I think we’d have a clear-cut winner (Will from Fresh Prince). But alas, I messed up, so it turned into a close match up between Zack Morris, freezer of time, and Urkel, suspender-donning extraordinaire.

And when it came down to the wire, apparently being able to freeze time gave Zack the edge over Urkel’s ability to morph into Stefan, the smooth talking hottie who had all sorts of bitches (Laura and Myra) fighting for his love. But, as one voter mentioned, “nailin’ Kelly Kapowski? Get out of here, no one can live up to that.” And it’s true; no one did live up to that. And so Zack has won Best Actor.

Best Actress

Alex Mack took the cake here, for her ability to appeal to voters of both sexes—girls appreciated her ability to play a pile of glowing toxic muck, while the men appreciated her fine young tail. One voter even went so far as to say if he could have “opened a spank-bank account in those days, she would have been my first deposit.” Very eloquently put, Dan.

I guess that pretty much sums it up for her. Congrats, Alex.

Best Villian

A tie! A tie! Two very different villains. One male. One female. One’s a real jerk. One’s a real bitch. One’s a person. One’s a cartoon. Roger Klotz and Libby Chessler came away with the award for best Villian(s)… even though one voter suggested that Roger was not even close to evil enough. That’s what everyone said about that white lions that attacked Roy of Siegfried and Roy. Never underestimate the evil within.

Best Voice of Reason


A unanimous decision, and the right one in my book…Mr. Feeny (excuse my previous misspellings) came away with the win in this category easily. He was so far ahead in the race, he had time to stop and give life lessons to Corey, Sean, Topanga, Eric and The Matthews Parents INDIVIDUALLY and still beat the others to the finish. One reader stated “a vote against Feeny here might as well be a vote for communism.” And nobody likes China. They cheat in gymnastics. Good votes, readers. Good voice of reason, Feeny.

Best Cartoon


Doug. Just look at him… How could he not win?

Best show on SNICK

Alex Mack was squeezed out of another trophy by scary favorite “Are You Afraid of the Dark.” I would usually watch up until they threw the sand in the fire and said the name of the story. Then I’d pee my pants and run away to my room. And change my pants.

Best show on TGIF
Boy Meets World, baby. This show had a lot of nominations and is having a very strong showing here in the results…just a great show.

Best Nick Daytime Show

Hey Dude came away with the trophy here, beating out The Adventures of Pete & Pete by a mere 2 votes. People really liked the idea of the show though, as one voter said, “my grandparents once went to a dude ranch when I was younger. I was so disappointed when it wasn’t the same one.” This voter also believed it when her dad told her if you cut a 1 inch hole in an airplane when you are inside the airplane, your entire body will be sucked out of the aircraft. What a sucker.

Best Game Show

Legends of the Hidden Temple—everyone really loved that giant talking stone head, the color/animal team name generator, and the temple guards that were far too scary for the young children running through the maze to have to deal with. Every time a Temple guard jumped out when I was watching, I would have a heart attack. I had high blood pressure as a child.

Best Theme Song
A tie! A tie! Reading Rainbow and Family Matters – both great themes… The Reading Rainbow theme “to this day spends a good percentage of the day stuck in my head,” one voter truly stated, while another said of the Family Matters theme that he “learned more about life during that theme song than I did during 16 years of formal schooling.”

So true.

And that about wraps it up! Thanks for your votes, thanks for your complaints, and thanks for reading!

This has been the first edition of Old School TV awards. Check back soon for more pointless awards, countdowns and rants.

Until next time – enjoy

I am currently a vagabond.

A vagabond is a (generally impoverished) itinerant person. Such people may be called tramps, rogues, or hobos. A vagabond is characterised by almost continuous travelling, lacking a fixed home, temporary abode, or permanent residence. Vagabonds are not bums, as bums are not known for travelling but preferring to stay in one location.

-Wikipedia.

Old School TV Awards - Sorry I Missed It!

Everyone complains nowadays about how people in our generation don’t really care about anything important, aren’t passionate about events in the news, politics, etc… Well I have found that people our age do not lack passion. You just have to talk about something they care about. Like television shows from the 90s.

While the votes are being tallied, before the winners are announced, I would like to take the time to honor some old school TV shows and characters that were not nominated for awards, mostly due to oversight by yours truly. And let me tell you, the comments I received due to these non-nominations were harsh. One voter told me I should be ashamed of myself, another “had a huge problem with some of the nominations” due to snubs. And though I tried my darndest to cover all my old school tv bases, it appears I missed some biggies. And it pissed people off. So without further ado, I will give some props to the shows I missed.

We’ll call these the Voter’s Choice Awards.

“A lack of acknowledgement of ‘The Fresh Prince’ is a glaring omission from this post.”

Yes, I agree with my whole heart. Fresh Prince of Bel Air with it’s awesome characters and great theme song would have taken home a fairly good share of these awards, or at least given Boy Meets World a run for their money. It also would have given us perhaps a better Best Actor nominee in Will, which would help ease the pain of another voter, “I can’t believe you just made me choose between Zach Morris and Uncle Jesse.” It also would have made the Best Supporting Actor race a bit less land-slideish with the addition of Carlton. There was also an off the record write-in for Uncle Phil in the voice of reason category:

auerbach.andrew:
“that scene
where wills dad comes back as a trucker
and then leaves him again
the hug at the end
Wow”

And so it is with deepest regret that I apologize for the omission of Fresh Prince.


In the Best Theme Song category, there were many write-ins and disappointed voters. For this I do not feel so bad, because even though I did miss some of your favorites, all the theme songs back then were just so good, it’s hard to choose. I had to use some sort of judgment here. Nevertheless, here’s what I missed:
The Adventures of Pete & Pete’s theme was deemed “a great one”
The missing themes of Step by Step as well as Saved by the Bell really got one voters blood boiling.
And Doug’s theme, with the timeless beat box at the end was also mentioned as one that was failed to be mentioned.

And so yet again, I do apologize for missing some theme songs you loved the most.


In regard to Jessie Spano’s snub for Best Actress, one voter vented, “HELLO!!! The whole episode about her taking drugs to stay awake…PRICELESS.” I agree with this completely. And you know the write-in was a good one when a future voter uses it as their vote, which one such voter did with Jessie Spano. So although she was forgotten, and ultimately did not win the award for Old School TV Best Actress, Jessie wins a Voter’s Choice Award, or as I like to say “A Votie.”
Asked to comment on her recent win, Jessie responded, “I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so….SCARED…”



Moving on to more snubs, let’s talk villains. One voter actually asked me to “be ashamed” that I forgot John McFlemp of Pete & Pete off the villain ballot. To this I say, I will not be ashamed, but I am sorry because I do not even remember who John McFlemp is (note to self: go back and watch Pete&Pete more.. probably won’t.). Anyways, sorry. Zeke the Plumber, from Salute Your Shorts, and Stuart, The Professor played by Fred Savage on BMW were two villains referenced by one angry voter…neither of which I seem to remember distinctly either. Which is why I probably snubbed them.

But again, I apologize for missing these villains, it is most likely because they scared me as a child so I blocked them from memory. So they ultimately win.

Lastly, one person had a problem with the nomination of Lori-Beth Dinberg as a Best Supporting Actress, asking “where did we find these people? I feel a Suckadapeepee rant coming on.” To this person I say, sorry, but I will agree to disagree. Firstly, where would we be without all her vital information, such as:



A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants could make it very uncomfortable.

It's not nice to push your friend Billy off the roof and scream, “Look Neighbors! It's Raining Billy!!”

Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat ...and later realized he'd ruined a perfectly good hat

And in addition to all this vital information, I believe the category is best SUPPORTING actress. I bet I could lean a lot more stuff up against Lori-Beth Dinberg than Topanga and Kimmy Gibbler combined, if only purely based on her weight. So although I value your opinion, humble voters, I will stand up for LBD’s place on the ballot.


And I will leave you with one more comment from a non-voter, which I do completely agree with.


auerbach.andrew:
i feel like allen matthews needs a should out also
somewhere
Me:
oh damn
yeah the matthews parents were good parents
auerbach.andrew: yeah but allen was just really good

So true.


Thanks for your votes, the winners will be announced shortly, and again I apologize for the people/shows I neglected.

Voting has ended for the Old School TV Battle!

Thanks for your input, results will be up shortly. In the meantime, enjoy this picture -

Old School TV Awards – Nominees

From TGIF to Snick, weekends rocked my tv watching world when I was little. And if I was lucky, I might even catch an episode of Wild N' Crazy kids on a Saturday evening after I came in from playing made up games outside with my next door neighbor. We all know that television shows of our childhood rival any "critically acclaimed" show we watch now, even if we were to go back now and watch we'd realize that Fraggle Rock was so unrealistic, and Sam would never be able to just hoist that ladder up and down on Clarissa's window without anyone noticing.

With this post, we’re going to do things differently. Instead of me just picking the winners, I’m going to let you, the readers vote. This will also entail getting more readers than usual. I’ll work on that. Anyways, post your votes as a list in the comments section of the blog. I will total them and give a results post. Make sure you vote by August 13th. Or it won’t count!

Here are the nominees (note, people are referenced by character names, because we are more emotionally invested with the characters than the actors…)

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Cody Lambert, Step by Step- he'd always pour the chocolate syrup into his mouth for a long time and then drink some milk right from the carton and swish it around. I dreamed about doing that sometimes…
Donkeylips, Salute Your Shorts – this one doesn't really need to be explained. It just is.
Sam, Clarissa Explains It All- a best friend who would enter your 2nd floor room via ladder? That's pretty badass.
JTT, Home Improvement – remember the episode where they thought he had cancer? The hearts of preteen girls around the world all stopped for a moment.
Sean Hunter, Boy Meets World – Rebellious best friend. What a hottie.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Kimmy Gibbler, Full House – she was always there for a laugh, gotta give her that.
Patty Mayonaise, Doug – stoic performance.
Topanga, Boy Meets World – she changed a lot throughout the years. From weird hippy’ish girl in class to hottie and love of Corey’s life. Gotta give the girl props for climbing the ladder.
Lori-Beth Dinberg, All That AND Figure It Out – She did double duty on Nick shows back in the day. And who could have lived without her “Vital Information?”

Best Actor
Urkel, Family Matters
- beloved by all for his extreme dorkiness, we wouldn't have "Thanked Goodness It's Friday" every week if Urkel weren't waiting for us at 8PM.
Tim "The Toolman" Taylor, Home Improvement - so some people may not agree with Tim's nomination in this prestigious category, given his manly grunts and general clumsiness. But my dad really loved him. So here he is.
Zack Morris, Saved by the Bell - ultimate heart throb for preteen girls in the 80s everywhere. Unless they were an AC Slater girl.
Doug, Doug - Some may argue that he is a cartoon, and therefore not an actor. I agree to disagree.
Uncle Jesse, Full House – no one could rival that hair. Or the look in his eyes at his wedding when he tenderly played the piano and sang “Forever” to Becky.

Best Actress
Stephanie, Full House – she was more of a main character I guess, and I didn't want to put her as supporting because she'd hit me with a "How Rude!"
Laura, Family Matters – no one else could play the pure hatred of Steve Urkel with the lovable goodness of Laura.
Suzanne Sommers, Step by Step – the role she was playing at the time of the Thighmaster may be the most important role of all.
Alex Mack, Secret Life of Alex Mack – I didn’t see any of these other people turn to silver ooze. That’s good acting.

Best Villian
Ug, Salute Your Shorts – the guy always had sunscreen on his nose! What a douche!
Roger Klotz, Doug – he was pretty mean.
Ferguson, Clarissa Explains it All – what a stupid nerd, he always got in the way.
Libby Chessler, Sabrina the Teenage Witch – I didn’t actually really remember her until I researched for this post. But I did find this quiz where you can see how much you remember about this bitch of a villain…

Best Voice of Reason
Mr. Pheeney, Boy Meets World – the man brought the characters we love from elementary school all the way through adulthood and managed to stay relevant in their lives, following them from middle school to high school to college. Love him.
Wilson, Home Improvement – never saw the guy’s face. But it was what inside that counted most. He gave great advice.
Mr. Dink, Doug – he was always making wacky inventions and didn’t seem to be the smartest person to turn to, but Doug always counted on him for advice when he needed it most.
Dana, Step by Step – she may have been one of the kids, but Dana was the most level headed person in the household. She was also a real bore and nerd-o.


The nominees for our favorite classic shows will have no introductions, as they speak for themselves:

Best Cartoon
Ren And Stimpy
Bobby's World
Doug
Rocko's Modern Life
Ahhh! Real Monsters

Best show on SNICK
Clarissa Explains it All
Secret World of Alex Mack
All That
Kenan And Kel
Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Best show on TGIF
Full House
Family Matters
Step by Step
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Boy Meets World

Best Nick Daytime Show
Salute Your Shorts
Weinerville
Hey Dude
Adventures of Pete and Pete

Best Game Show
Double Dare – classic.
What Would You Do – Pies in the face! Weird bugs! Eating odd things! Marc Sommers!
Supermarket Sweep – I always wanted to go on a Supermarket Sweep. So badly.
Guts – “take it down to Mo, MO!”
Legends of the Hidden Temple – green monkeys, blue barracudas, purple parrots, silver snakes, orange iguanas, red jaguars… how could we forget?
Wild N' Crazy Kids – how did they think of these weird games? And deal with the millions of wild n’ crazy kids on every show?
Figure It Out – I hated when the judges would guess really stupid things just for a laugh. You’re trying too hard, Lori-Beth Dinberg. If the Secret Slime Action was trying too hard, you’d be drenched.

Best Theme Song
(clicking on each show will take you to YouTube to relive the theme song, in case you may have forgotten for a moment)
Hey Dude
Clarissa Explains it All
Family Matters
Reading Rainbow
Salute Your Shorts
Full House
All That


That concludes the nominations for this Old School TV awards post. Let voting begin immediately, she cried out!

I look forward to seeing the winners.

Comparing Movies.

I just saw this posting on Craigslist for a company looking to hire someone to write for their movie comparison company something or other…not really sure. I didn’t apply. But for people who wanted to apply, you had to take your favorite movie, and list 5 movies that people would also like if they enjoyed your favorite. And about a 20 word reason why. I thought this would be an interesting exercise, so I decided to try it out. But instead of my favorite movie, I’m going to use…

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.


For all of you who didn’t have HBO last summer when it was on every single moment of the day, or those who just didn’t care to watch, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is about four high school aged girlfriends who find a pair of jeans in a thrift shop that surprising fit all their varied figures perfectly. They then go their separate ways for the summer (soccer camp, Greece, to visit a divorced father, and one just stays at home) and send the pants around to each other with notes to keep in touch.

It’s a coming of age movie. First loves, first look at tragedy, realizations about family and friends, and the losing of virginity at soccer camp with a counselor (happens all the time).

So let’s take a look at 5 other movies you should watch if you loved Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (and why in 20 words or less)

1. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 – It’s coming out soon, and I bet it will have the same characters, actors, and kind of the same plot.
2. Now and Then – Four girls, coming of age, way better than the Traveling Pants. Plus it’s funny when Ramona duct tapes her boobs.

3. Rumor Has It – I got nothing for you. Except it was played on HBO all the time last summer, too.
4. My Girl – I hate those bees that killed Macaulay Culkin. Weird that her dad owned a funeral home.

5. The Babysitter’s Club – Self explanatory.

This post sucks. I would never get this job.

Wait, let me try again.

Movie we’ll start with: Rocky

5 other movies you would like:
1. Rocky 2 – there’s boxing. And Sly Stallone.
2. Rocky 3- there’s boxing. And Sly Stallone.

3. Rocky 4 - there’s boxing. And Sly Stallone.
4. Rocky 5 - there’s boxing. And Sly Stallone.
5. Rocky Balboa. - there’s boxing. And Sly Stallone. But he’s old. But it’s okay. It’s still him.


That’s more like it. Maybe I would get this job.

What’s in an age?

With the upcoming election pitting “old man” McCain vs. “inexperienced” Obama, people have been focusing a lot on the ages of candidates. Maybe a little more than they should. After all, shouldn’t the election be about the issues, not the number of wrinkles on someone’s face, or the ability to blow out all of the birthday candles on your cake? Especially if they are those trick candles that you can never blow out. Those aren’t even fair.

So I’ve decided that in order to take the edge off this age debate, I’m going to feed into it even more! Without any more introduction and throwing all reasoning out the window, let’s not just compare the candidates based on their ages, let’s compare other famous people that share the candidate’s ages.

Starting with…. Sports figures.

Wayne Gretzky (January 26, 1961) vs. Clay Counsil (71 years, birth date not readily available)

Here’s a tough match up for sure. Take someone once called “the greatest player of all time,” and pit him against an old dude who never played pro ball and what do you get? It’s not as clear-cut as you think. Who didn’t get the chills watching the Homerun Derby last week while Counsil pitched to Josh Hamilton as he shattered records and hit 28 homeruns in the first round of the competition? Everyone got chills. Unless they aren’t human. Or didn’t watch. Or were under a extremely warm blanket.

Fact is – sure Gretzky’s great, but Counsil showed last week that despite age, people can always inspire. And get things done.

Sorry Obama. This round goes to age. Because I am throwing athletic strength out the window and leveling the playing field. People of any age can get the job done and inspire people. Which is exactly what Counsil did.

Round one goes to : The Geezers


Next round….Musicians.

Billy Ray Cyrus (August 25, 1961) vs. Buddy Guy (July 30, 1936)

Okay, here’s a tough one. We’ve got one of the greats of the blues and rock, who’s won five Grammys and inspired such acts as Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton and Stevie Ray Vaghan pitted against the man who’s given us Hannah Montana.

Of course, that’s not all Billy Ray Cyrus has contributed to the music world. There’s always Achy Breaky Heart, and he’s had eight top-ten singles on the Billboard country music charts.

But it may be silly that I’m even still trying to compare these two. Although Miley Cyrus has given us some real hot pop culture tracks lately, no one can deny that Buddy Guy has been more influential on American music as we know it. And since Billy Ray can’t even get his daughter to stop posting trashy pics of herself on the Internet, round two’s winner is quite clear.

Round two goes to: The Geezers

So far it looks like age doesn’t detract from someone’s greatness, in fact as we’ve seen so far, age may just make people better.

Now let’s look into a different type of entertainment – Acting.

George Clooney (May 6, 1961) vs. Robert Redford (August 18, 1936)


The battle against these two stars could be a whole post in itself. First I’d like to take a moment and say how surprised I was to find out that Robert Redford is 71. When I was researching for this intelligent post, at first I thought this was some sort of mistake. But yes, it’s true, Redford is old.

So both these men are very accomplished actors, as well as directors and producers. They are also both what I would consider to be real Hollywood men. Big names, big budgets, but also smart guys. They don’t just act, they think.

But when it comes down to it, I think we must give Clooney the edge here. Sure Redford is iconic and has truly done a lot, including winning an Academy Award, but Clooney has also won an Oscar, as well as a Golden Globe. And we all know that the only thing that really matters in an actor’s life is the number of shiny trophies they have to polish (or if you’re Rosie O’Donnell, let your kids paint all over).

Clooney also does a lot of advocacy work, even named in January 2008 as “a Messenger of peace” by the United Nations. That’s big time shit. Almost up there with Angelina. Maybe he’ll get there someday.

And, truth be told, if you think about it, Clooney deserves to win this round merely because he is the epitome of a Hollywood star. Like old school Hollywood star. And I think if you put a 46 year old next to a 71 year old and can honestly say the younger of the two is more of a classic American star than the elder, then youth trumps age.

So round three goes to: The Youngins

Let’s move onto Round 4 – Directors
Peter Jackson (October 31, 1961) vs. Philip Kaufman (October 23, 1936)

Great directors, like great presidents, need to have a vision to be successful. So this is an especially important round in this very important comparison piece. Peter Jackson has definitely proved his vision with films like Lord of the Rings and King Kong. He doesn’t mess around with his vision, and is very well respected in the industry.

Philip Kaufman, though less known to this generation, is still influential in the field of directing films. His directorial debut, Goldstein, won some French-named prize at the Cannes Film Festival. Acclaimed French director Jean Renoir called it the best American film in 20 years. Pretty impressive.

But since we are Americans, we don’t care what French people have to say. Instead, let’s focus on something Kaufman did that we all can relate to—helped write the story for Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. This was a pretty important feat.

Kaufman is also still working today. His next project will be a film for HBO about the life of Ernest Hemingway with James Gandolfini.

But when it comes down to it, it seems that the more influential director at this time is Peter Jackson. Many statues, several incredible movies that drastically influenced a culture, and an imagination and attention to detail that is renowned among Hollywood directors.

Round four goes to – The Youngins.


Let’s take a look at the leaderboard after four rounds:



Seems to be a 2-2 tie at the moment, and the Geezers, despite their age, do not look like they are losing steam. More 71 year olds include Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Anthony Kennedy, beloved actress Mary Tyler Moore, and James D. Sinegal, the CEO of wholesale giant Costco. The 46’s aren’t lacking in talent either, with mover and shaker Michael J. Fox, fashion designer Issac Mizrahi, as well as Bob Woodruff, journalist with World News Tonight.

But there isn’t enough time in a day to write about all these aged rivalries. The point is, people can achieve great things when they’re young (Elian Gonzalez), or old (the entire cast of the Golden Girls). We need to put the wrinkle debates aside for the next few months and focus on the real issues of this election…like who has the prettier wife.

Stay tuned for my next post:
People who share middle names with the Presidential candidates and what effect this has on their chance of victory.

A Salute to America!

Well it's that time of year again—July 4th's coming up, people are getting in gear to take a nice long weekend, enjoy some American favorites like a cold Bud Lime and a hot dog right off the grill, and maybe watch a little baseball. And all the while knowing that our country is better than every other one in the world. And to prove it, we'll set off fireworks. Discovered by the Chinese.

So I'd like to take this post to honor America with some of the things I remember from US History from throughout the years. And without further ado… 5 pieces of American History I appreciate most because they are a little bit funny:

5. Filibusters
Okay, Filibusters are funny for several reasons. One, they just have a really silly name for something that is supposed to have a higher purpose. And two, they make people talk for absurd amounts of time. Three, they just seem like the silliest thing in the world. Why do they even exist?

Quick recap—a filibuster is a way to stop legislation from being passed by literally talking forever so the vote cannot happen, or is very delayed. To me, it seems like a childish idea at heart, but there's a competitive spirit to it, and Americans love to compete. So I guess it fits well with the USA way.

Best Filibuster moment: in 1957, Senator Strom Thurmond of South Carolina set a record by talking for 24 hours and 18 minutes straight. Now that is commitment to a cause. Unfortunately for him, the bill ultimately passed. And he can never got that 24 hours back. Or his voice.

4. Preston Brook’s Senate Beatdown of Charles Sumner.
In 1856, Senator Charles Sumner of Massachusetts gave a very passionate speech about how slavery should not be tolerated anymore in the United States. He called out three prominent men in particular for their views and political actions regarding the issue—Stephen Douglas, James Mason, and Andrew Pickens Butler of South Carolina.

Butler, who had recently had a stroke and was recuperating in his state of South Carolina was given special attention by Sumner’s ridicule. Listening from the back of the Senate chamber, Stephen Douglas reportedly said, “that damned fool will get himself killed by some other damned fool.”

Good foresight. This nearly happened. Except instead of death, Sumner was just bludgeoned by a walking stick by Congressman Preston Brooks, who took offense to Sumner’s comments. (and was the nephew of Andrew Butler, one of Sumner’s targets. It’s all so Soprano-esque…)

Instead of asking Sumner to duel like a real gentleman would, Brooks just waltzed into the Senate chambers and started beating him with a stick. The beatdown continued for a whole minute as Sumner, who was tall, struggled to get his lanky legs out from under his desk and defend himself. And everyone else in the Senate Chamber got up from their lunch tables and started chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" until the principal came and broke it up.



I guess if you look at the reality of this situation, it’s not that funny. But to me, the fact that an elected official acted like a drunken idiot at a bar and just started beating the crap out of someone because he made fun of his uncle is a little bit funny.

And I think when we learned about it in high school it was funny because we didn’t get all the details. Just that a Congressman beat a Senator up. That’s funny when you’re 16 for some reason. Then we all went home and watched WWF Smackdown. And gave each other high fives.

3. The Scopes Monkey Trial
Aight, yo. Basically there was a law in Tennessee (obviously) that said there was to be no teaching of evolution in public schools. Actually nothing that went against "the story of Divine Creation of man as taught in the Bible." Well, John Scopes, a high school teacher looking to spread the gospel of truth, was charged with teaching evolution and showing ideas from (gasp!) Charles Darwin.

So they settled it the American way. Went to a bar, got drunk and fought for a couple minutes before the bartender kicked their asses out. Just kidding, they went to court! The trial "pitted two of the preeminent legal minds of the time against one another," William Jennings Bryan and Clarence Darrow (I like the way Wikipedia referred to this fact).

But I guess the main reason this piece of American history really sticks in my mind as funny (besides the fact that the word monkey is in it—instant American funniness), is the way Mr. Herb taught it to us in AP American. Before he got fired. But that's beside the point. He taught me about the Scopes Monkey Trial so well that I will never erase the picture of him in my mind performing a piece of a play based on the Scopes trial, standing behind his lectern and yelling, "GOD TELLS BRADY, BRADY TELLS THE PEOPLE; BRADY, BRADY BRADY!" Then he hung upside down in the doorway and did his impression of a three-toed sloth. Great teacher.

Anyway, thanks Mr. Herb for forever eternalizing this evolution case with a funny name. And giving me one of my favorite pieces of American History with a funny name.

2. Colonial Wigs
So the founders of the Constitution did a pretty good job of drafting a document to dictate the future of our country. And it still holds true today. To think that they could have the foresight to craft a set of truths that would withstand the test of time as our country grew from infancy in 1776 until now, over 200 years later, is a outstanding feat. But the real kicker is that the whole time they were cooped up in that ol’ Pennsylvania state house drafting the damn thing, they were wearing ridiculous wigs. What was the meaning of this? Did people not grow hair then? Maybe they were “thinking caps.” I gotta try one on someday and see if I can write something as timeless as the Constitution.

I’m sure these wigs were hot as hell. And itchy to boot! But I guess you can’t beat fashion like this:


It just makes the whole signing of the Constitution thing seem a little bit silly. Every guy in there was wearing one of these. And I bet there were trains of sweat running down their faces from underneath their cumbersome wigs. I wish I could travel back in time to see it! In a bonnet.

And the whole signing of the Constitution wasn’t the only time people wore these—these wigs made prominent appearances in events like The Boston Tea Party, Paul Revere’s famous ride, and also during big Revolutionary War battles. Think about that. Not only are you dying on a battlefield, but your last moments are going to be with an itchy head. Bummer.

So that’s why wigs are funny. And an integral part of American History. Even though they looked ridiculous.

…And don’t think I’m letting you off the hook, Abraham Lincoln. Your hat was a little outrageous. And wooden teeth? You were the President for goodness sake. Have some self respect.

1. William Taft getting stuck in a bathtub.
This one really doesn't need too much explaining. Picture it—William Taft (our 27th President for you unAmericans out there), our heaviest president at 332 pounds, getting literally stuck in the White House bathtub. They had to have an oversized version brought in for him to use. And a crane to get him in and out of bed. Just kidding. Not really.

Whoever is blaming juices and energy drinks for the current obesity crisis, please stop! I think we found the root of the problem—kids are just trying emulate our 27th President, but come on, can't we give them a break? They just want to run the most powerful country in the world. And get their own custom bathtub. It's the American dream, man.

And, the kicker, which I just found out while researching Taft's exact poundage, is the fact that "Taft liked milk so much he brought his own cow to the White House. The cow's name was Mooly Wolly."

Thanks, William Taft, for being hilarious.


And thanks, America. For being the great country that you are.